Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
