So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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