While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
