well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
