i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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