I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
