When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
