You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
