I can text with my tongue
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
