If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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