Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
