I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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