Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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