If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
