"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
