I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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