I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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