Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
