I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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