I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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