sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
