then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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