Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
