I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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