I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Randomize
