The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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