final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
