At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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