Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
