what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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