i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
