just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
