overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
