I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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