the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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