Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
