why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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