Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
