I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
operation have a gay friend backfired
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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