I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
