She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
