Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
