I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
