I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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