just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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