Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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