I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
