hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
God I need to hump something, right now.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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