You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The power of my boobs compel you
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
