I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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