I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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