i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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