I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
