I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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