Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
