Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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