mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize