Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
