Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
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