No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
