I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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