I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
